The following quotes were all found in the Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotes by Gyles Brandreth.

“I’ve learned from my mistakes, and I’m sure I can repeat them.” – Peter Cook

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“The trouble with words is that you never know whose mouth they have been in.” – Dennis Potter

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” – Anonymous

“The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.” – Winston Churchill

“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful “ – Mae West

“Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up.” – Tom Stoppard

“I have never yet met a man who could look after me. I don’t need a husband. What I need is a wife.” – Joan Collins

“This is not a novel that should be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” – Dorothy Parker

“Oh, Jack Kerouac – That isn’t writing, it’s typing.” – Truman Capote

“To see him (Stephen Spender) fumbling with our rich and delicate language is to experience all the horror of seeing a Sevres vase in the hands of a chimpanzee.” – Evelyn Waugh

“Words are like leaves and where they most abound, much fruit of sense beneath is rarely found.” – Alexander Pope

“Facebook is for people who can’t face books.” – Madeleine Beard

“No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.” – Stanislaw Lem

“Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.” – Andy Rooney

“The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement,” – E. W. Howe

“I would have answered your letter sooner but you didn’t send one.” – Ace Goodman

“Two things are infinite. The universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.” – Albert Einstein

“No one gossips about other people’s secret virtues.” – Bertrand Russell

“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” – Oscar Wilde

“I won’t say she was silly, but one of us was silly, and it wasn’t me.” – Elizabeth Gaskell

“If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that’s read by persons who move their lips while reading.” – Don Marquis

“There is no greater bliss in life than when the plumber eventually comes to unblock your drains. No writer can give that sort of pleasure.” – Victoria Glendinning